I’m not going to bore you like a school science lesson. Men you will find this useful if you have any women in your lives (partner, daughter, mother, friend, sister), fellow sisters I hope you find this amusing.
I’m a person who is very sensitive to their hormonal cycle and out of 28 days spend only 14 of these feeling fairly normal. That’s right people the other 14 I am a walking time bomb- unpredictable and just plain weird!
It starts at around day 14 where depending on which ovaries turn it is for that month a side of my face, normally around my mouth/ chin will explode in a cluster of spots, to which the other half always asks ‘Why have you got spots, you’re not a teenager?’ (Each month we have the same conversation)- ‘I’m about to ovulate dear’, ‘Oh’. End of conversation.
Now at around this time I find myself feeling extremely struck by the other half’s awesome good-lookingness, so much so that we were in a queue for coffee last month and all I could think was ‘Wow your fit and I want you now’. I find him attractive all the time but at this particular point I want to scream ‘Take me now’. Once more this is my hormones talking I’m fertile and want to be impregnated- the reality is I don’t at this point in my life but you can’t escape nature. Think of it as a dog on heat- I’m not saying I look like a bitch- (maybe I do), but when a female dog is in season they put their arse in the face of a male dog they want, give off that scent to drive the male wild and then the male jumps on and ‘bow chicky wow wow.’ The thing with dogs is they don’t have to contain themselves, they also don’t give a shit about anyone else around them and can do it in public without being arrested.
We now move on several days where I morph into ‘I have an opinion, it’s right and you’ll do everything my way or else!’ Once more family and him get the brunt of this more. I know I’ve morphed into Miss Fire Blaster, but cannot contain it. This is so regular that he now makes a joke of it, ‘Whoa you due on in a weeks time? God your spiky,’ My response is ‘Maybe I am but that’s not the point!’
Now were into the last 7 days and this is now the feeling of I feel like shit, life’s awful, I am unwanted like a stray cat, nobody loves me. This is very bad for 2 days and it then goes. I know this is due to a drop in a certain hormone but it still doesn’t make dealing with the depressing emotion any easier. In this time I feel like I want to shut myself away and mope in my own self pity and sing ‘All by myself’ just like Rene Zellweger did in Bridget Jones.
5 days before and the food cravings start, this can go on for 2-3 days. At this point, men if your still reading this will be thinking she’s going to say chocolate, well I’m not! I have various odd cravings at this particular point and am sure my body needs more of certain minerals and vitamins:
- Oily fish (I eat this twice a week normally)- I can know eat a whole pack of mackerel in one go.
- Lemons- can’t get enough of the sharp taste
- Popperdoms- can’t explain this one, but I munch through them like I’ve never seen food
- Humus- known to dip popperdoms in it, clearly a vitamin/ mineral that I need from chick peas.
- Steak- must eat meat and now!
- Chips with salt and vinegar on- assuming this is the carb craving kicking in.
Anyone of you who is still reading this and is thinking ah she must not eat properly or do enough exercise, I can tell you that I eat a very good diet and do plenty of exercise.
In the 5 day run up I also cannot sleep well and will stop drinking my 1 cup of tea a day in order to try and help with the sleep, but alas nothing works.
We’re now 2 days before and the good old IBS seemingly kicks in, nothing now stays in and exits stage left. The day when I am now ‘out of service’ bowl movement goes back the other way and the pain is now unbearable and I want to sleep for England.
All I can say to you is my body is extremely sensitive to my hormone change. Ladies who are reading this, I hope you can empathise with parts if not all of this and have had a good laugh in the process. Men, please be if you weren’t already, I hope you are now aware of why any females around you might be behaving slightly odd, just be careful the next time your queuing with your lady and she has that possessed look on her face, you might want to take that somewhere more private…
A Piece Of Pandemonium 